Critique Notes/January 2006

Well, the H/F.B.S.A. has proven you can’t keep a good man…ah, group down, because our organization is still doing it all for a song after all these years; not sure how long (ask Gary).  I’ve been a member for at least 10 or 12 years.  Dang, that’s longer than most marriages anymore.  At any rate, we continue to spin out good tunes, improve our song crafting, and rub shoulders with other songwriters; it doesn’t get much better for us song jockeys.  Now here are my notes for our January 2006 session (winners are underlined):

 

Syed-Ali Jafri / Paradise to Me…Bringing us another lyrics-only presentation, Syed wanted some critical feedback on his contemporary country/pop crossover song.  The lyrics painted a songstory telling about the maybe less than perfect waters and beaches of the Gulf Coast, but with love it’s paradise to me.  Comments:  edit out a few words, improve some images, could swap a couple of verses, and some real gems in the lyrics.

 

Mike Darnell / Roswell…Recorded well, this little rocking ballad tells the “far out” songstory. ‘Everybody’s talking ‘bout space debris, alien hieroglyphics, weather balloons as well—just outside of Roswell.”  Critics:  really cool tune, maybe slow tempo a bit, could improve phrasing in places, work on rhyme in chorus, and maybe focus more on being a skeptic or a believer.

 

Anne Marie Baker / Today’s the Day…Recorded well, this ballad tells the songstory, ‘I’ll give you my hand as I pledge my love for you.  Today’s the day when we say I do.’   The sessionaires’ comments:  has really good voicing, need to edit out a few words, be consistent in the informal language, could add specificity to story line, improve chorus a bit, and has a good waltz tempo.

 

Debbie Yoho / There’s a Rumor Going Round…Playing her upbeat country tune live, Debbie tells the songstory, ‘I heard you’ve been chasing tail all over town.  I don’t wanna’ believe it, but there’s a rumor going round.’  The critics’ opinions:  need to use title more in song, improve bridge a bit, chasing tail too out of character with song, and maintains a good consistent attitude.

 

Patricia Bishop & Ron Tintner / In and Out of My Life…the clearly recorded contemporary M.O.R. tune tells the songstory, ‘You said you needed change, needed wings to fly; couldn’t stay; didn’t wanna go, now you’re in and out of my life.’ Critics:  melody is too familiar—improve, bridge only fair, does have some great lines, but story line vague in places, & invert some phrases.

 

John Blackwell / Caught Myself a Pony…recorded clearly, this folksy ballad tells the songstory, ‘I caught myself a pony and jumped across the creek cos life’s about moving on to the sound of hoofed feet.’  The listeners’ comments:  evokes a really good emotion, great simplicity, verse and melody needs more variation, edit out the sinner verse, and don’t change a thing.

 

Dave Bannen / Fall…recorded clearly, this folk ballad tells the songstory, ‘We danced in the summer breeze, and then you were gone like a leaf in the fall.’  The criticians’ assessment:  the verses paint some very visual images, needs more obvious rhyme in places, some lyrics feel a bit too disconnected from main story, a touch too poetic, and could use more tree images.

 

Tony Rose / Rosa…playing his contemporary social message ballad live, Tony tells the songstory, ‘Rosa (Parks) caught the bus today and refused to give her seat away.  Injustice simply can’t remain; it’s time for the world to change.’  The critics:  a powerful tune, a really good social statement song, need to add more rhyme in the chorus, and need to improve the bridge a bit.

 

Patti Guyer / Heaven in His Arms…Playing her contemporary country tune live, Patti tells the songstory, ‘There’s new hope in her heart, there’s shelter from the harm, she knows he’ll never part; she’s found heaven in his arms.’  Critics’ comments:  has good upbeat feel, strong melody in chorus but need to add to the chorus lyrically, and consider using first person point of view.

 

Ron Tintner & Patricia Bishop / Better Than That…recorded well, this contemporary pop tune tells the songstory, ‘Climb Everest and touch the sky, raft the Rockies for a thrilling ride. But it’s a natural fact that love’s better than that.’  Critics:  need to drive the title-hook more, be more positive, edit out some words, needs better imagery balance, and a fairly clever idea.

 

Kat Rose / Come Back to Me…playing her contemporary pop ballad live, Kat tells the songstory, ‘ I strayed away to just be free, but through the rain I hear you say come back to me.’  The sessionaires’ comments:  very evocative, creates strong emotions, needs more story specificity, verse melody doesn’t fit well, primary theme is a bit vague, and some great imagery.

 

Lisa Loftin / Just Short of Dying…this contemporary country ballad tells the songstory, ‘She never cried, when he said his love had died; now she’s not sure if life’s worth trying.  Cos right now she’s feels just short of dying.’  Critics’ comments:  creates very poignant but depressive mood, melody fits mood very well, maybe be more positive in places, and could add to story line a bit.

 

Van Buchanan / MotherLode…recorded well, this contemporary country tune tells the songstory, ‘Like a creek overflowing, your crying eyes are swollen; if silence is golden, I’ve struck the motherlode.’  The critical assessment:  a great demo, could add a touch of specificity to story line, lose some of the fancy words, some great mining imagery, and has really strong prosody.

 

Tracy Park / Just the Way I Feel…recorded well, this rocking tune tells the songstory, ‘If I had the perfect drug I’d stay high all the time; no false illusions only the answers—it’s just the way I feel.’  The critics’ opinions:  need to vary the melody in the bridge, great brevity of lyrics, some really good imagery, nice contrast, has good flow and feel, and maybe add to story line a tad.

 

Larry Sepulvado / I Can’t Love You Anymore…recorded clearly, this country tune tells the songstory, ‘You’re at it again, with excuses paper thin; this I can’t ignore; I can’t love you anymore.’  The critical perspective:  good use of humor, work on the timing a bit, has really good internal rhyme usage, and need to add why he’s willing to keep on loving her more than he does ‘stuff.’

 

Andrew Richardson / 40,000 Feet…recorded clearly, this pop/rock tune tells the songstory, ‘We’re at 40,000 feet and everything is as it should.  I’ve got a first class lady next to me and what she’s got is understood.’  The critics’ judgment:  creates some really good images, but needs more airplane images for completion, well written overall, maybe add some heaven images, and maybe consider some neat story twist at end. 

 

Songsters, that’s how it went in January’s critique session.  If the groundhog doesn’t drag me off, I’ll see ya’ in February.  J.W.