Critique Session – April 2006
Our critique master Jerry was out of action this month after an argument between his motorcycle and a truck. The good news Jerry escaped with minor injuries and will be back with us next month. In his absence Tony Rose stepped in to write the critique notes and Mike Darnell did a fine job running the session. But Jerry is irreplaceable, get well soon. Once again we had a great attendance for the HFBSA critique session with a lot of new faces, and plenty that were not so new. We had fifteen songs submitted this month and there was a general consensus that the standard of songwriting within the group continued to grow. Anyways here's what was said, or my interpretation of what was said, my apologies if I have misquoted, hey I'm a songwriter, I'm allowed to embellish ! The songs nominated to go forward to Song of the Year 2006 are underlined.
Larry Sepulvado – Where's Fats Domino Larry presented this fine recording of his take on the whereabouts of Fats Domino during hurricane Katrina - The song captured the events of the time, good Larry type visuals ie.. “That bus ride to Houston was Greyhound gruesome”. Enjoyed the repetition of “know” at the end of the chorus. Suggestion to change the third verse into a bridge to give musical and melodic variation. Maybe come in a little earlier with the chorus.
Danny Ligget – Melonahill Danny asked for suggestions on a title as the working title was a visual he got from the song – Mel Gibson on a hill (he's watched Braveheart too many times !). A great Celtic sound to this song, the prosody works well. Based around an “AAA” song structure that suited the song perfectly. The change in tense at the end of the song worked well to sum up and complete the story. The visuals worked well, you could see in your mind the sword being raised upon the battlefield. This would be an excellent song for the Renisence Festival, As for a title, most critiquers liked some form of “For Those Who Fall”.
Bob Boelsche – I'd Still Know You Playing live on guitar, Bob gave us an unrelenquished love song with a good Country & Western feel. Good rhyme structure with lines one, two and four all rhyming together and the third line having an internal rhyme. The general consensus was this song needed a turnaround to give it some musical relief, maybe using it to give a counterview that the person you are singing about feels the same way. Good first lines in each verse set the listener u-p for what was to follow.
Tony Rose – Perfect Tony performed this love song live to the group. Captured the mood with the melody and lyrics. Good visuals. The sort one line chorus was strong enough to stand by itself, the song didn't need a longer chorus. Bridge worked well to give a musical break.
Ron Tintner and Pat Bishop – Spell It Out For Me Ron and Pat gave us a simple message “Spell it out for me, make it perfectly clear so there's no mistake” this songwriting collaboration brought us a great upbeat song. Could hear Dick Van Dyke singing this song as part of a Broadway musical about relationships. Change the third line in each chorus. Needs a consistent melodic build on the chorus.. A suggestion was made to move the bridge to a different place. The lyrics were very clever and made you smile.
Ron Tintner – Julie Can You Hear Me Ron had to go back to the books to read up on the Romeo & Juliet story which inspired this song (with a little help from West Side Story), Lose the “ Montague and Capulet” phrases to make it a more universal story, maybe make a reference to the first person being a Romeo type figure in the last verse. A suggestion was made to use the eight bars from “Don't Fear The Reaper” as a foreshadowing at the start of the song.
Bob Pine – I'm In Love With You Bob presented a well recorded tune with a distinct sixties feel. Good country tune that accomplishes a lot in a few words. The melody in the chorus could be stronger. Modulate the last tag. This song would sound great sung with full harmonies.
Aimee Kamp – You Don't Make Me Cry A recent member to our group, Aimee playing live gave us a classic country song with lots of emotions. Had a real Patsy Cline sound and a traditional melody that sounded comfortably familiar. Add the word “Anymore” to the title. The consensus was the word “Protection” should be dropped and just hold the word “Walls”, this would make the line conversational. Hold the high note on “evermore” in the chorus. Nice simple chord form that suits the song well as the melody carries the song. Nice tag with a touch of poetic justice to finish the song.
Tom Tranchilla – Winslow Homer Inspired by a print Tom owns of a Winslow Homer painting, he decided to do a little research on this character and came out with a great song. Great writing of a historical event. Simplify the writing in places, a few unnecessary words. Good research to bring this story to life. Some wonderful imagery used in the third verse. Unusual character to choose but it worked well. Kids Music Workshop/KatRose - Believe Written by the nine kids in Kats after school program, this was their first attempt of writing a complete song as a group. Kat performed the song live. Could see this song as part of a musical. Very positive and inspirational lyrics. Take the melody up on the first line of the outro, Overall a great job by the kids – can't wait to hear them perform it.
Mike Ator – Nobody's Dancing Mike brought in a Country song well recorded and performed with vocal and guitar. The discussion started with opposing views to the title and the song, some couldn't see the connection and others said they could (can't please all the people all the time !). Only the first two lines of the chorus were sung after the first verse, the opinion was the full chorus should be used. Lose the word “Disco” the from the first verse, it detracts from the imagery. An interesting chord structure on the last two lines of the verses would be strengthened with a full production of the song. Overall the critiquers saw a lot of potential with this song.
Bruce Scism, Beth Scism and Gary Best – When I Fall Playing live Bruce presented this song of Lost Love. This song was seen as a background song in a cowboy movie. Simple song with good melody. The first verse starts out as a love song, it isn't until subsequent verses you get the story, maybe clarify the story line in the opening line of the song to give it more punch. The critiquers felt there should be more detail within the song.
Mike Darnell – I Kinda Like It That Way Mike brought in a recording with some wonderful guitar and harmonica work to back his classic blues song. Got hooked with the first verse, mean woman and wildest dreams etc..... but then she vanished. It felt like there were two songs in one. Either drop the first verse and go with the mood in the rest of the song, or raunch it up to follow the first verse. Some good rhyme schemes and excellent use of repetition on each line of the verses.
Travis Watson and Buz Hart – The Nickel Man Travis presented a well recorded song about the Nickel Man, an actual character from his childhood. Great melody and feel to this song. The rhyme scheme, though unusual seems to work. Maybe personalize the song more, your relationship to this character. Remove some excess words and simplify others ie.. replace “'74 Cadillac” with “old Cadillac”. The reference to “Sometimes the things you give aren't worth a dime” didn't sit well with the critiquers, one suggestion was to show how sometimes a nickel is worth more than a dime.
Dorian Harrison, Lloyd Cox and Brandon Shane – Just A Feeling This songwriting team brought in a recording with a Country flavor. This song had great melody and is a good song to dance to. There are a lot of good lyric writing going on here but there critiquers picked up on a confusion in the storyline, most of the way through the song this person seems unobtainable until the bridge were it is stated “I let love slip through my hands”, the general opinion was to lose that line. The last line of the chorus “pretty waste of time” was considered a stronger title for the song. |