Critique Notes /June 2006
Thanks to Dave Bannen for stepping in this month to take the critique notes.
Bob Pine submitted “Honey Be My Sugar” Member comments: The song had a nice bluegrass feel; the banjo captured the flavor of the song. Three part harmonies would work well with this song. Some suggestions to consider: The Chorus melody could be stronger. The 3rd and 4th lines of the Chorus might be re-written. On the bridge try shortening up the pause on the second ‘whoopi’. Overall a fun tune with some clever play on words.
Andrew Richardson submitted “Two Steps Closer” A Texas wedding song. Member comments: The group consensus was that the song isn’t a Texas wedding song, but it is a well expressed Father Daughter love song. The song had a good rhythm, and classic structure. Some nice lyric writing on the use of the daughter’s name in the verses: Lizzie at age 6, Liz at age 16 and Elizabeth on her wedding day. Some suggestions to consider: Try adding a cello in the instrumentation. The phrase ‘… the nines’ appears to be dated, might consider a different phrase.
Mike Darnell submitted “Old 982” A song based on a true story. Member comments: Nice groove, lyric crafted well with the melody. Overall the song is off to a good rolling start. Some suggestions to consider: The 2nd verse could be stronger. Consider putting some people into the song, and telling the listeners about the people or city founders that rode the train.
Pat Bishop & Terry Maldonaldo submitted “Before it’s too Late” Member comments: Nice melody, good vocals. Some suggestions to consider: The believability of the song. Is this guy sincere? With wedding invitations sent he needs to make up his mind. Which had many asking why is anyone still with this guy? Most thought he was a jerk. Many listeners will not identify with some one they don’t like. The line “Love you so” could be stronger, it is over used. The verse felt a little too long but could easily be tightened up by combining a couple of lines.
Tracy park submitted “Zydeco Soul” Member comments: A good tune. An AAA type of song with the cool refrain ‘Zydeco Soul’. Some suggestions to consider: Add a chorus; it would go well with the visual verses. The use of gris gris beads is probably fine, and would add a uniqueness to the lyric.
Patti Guyer submitted “Oasis” A breakup and moving on song. Member comments: Nice choice of lyric for the melody. Some very good lines like “gonna find my oasis, baby your place is miles behind, outa my mind” Some suggestions to consider: Tighten up the lyric by trimming some words. Listener’s would like to get to the chorus sooner. The song could be stronger by comparing the title oasis to desert related ideas. The lyric uses many road and travel images that don’t reinforce the Oasis theme.
Dave Bannen submitted “Deep Dark Secret” Member comments: Performed well, Nice groove and use of the minor. Good tension in the final verse. Some suggestions to consider: What’s at stake, elaborate more on what you could lose, like your job or wife. Change ‘I’m a’ to ‘I’m your’ Might experiment with a descending melody line on DDS.
Larry Supulvado submitted “I wish your husband was single” Member comments: Good tempo, clever lyrics, and a good idea. Some suggestions to consider: A third verse would add to the story. Too many clichés like pedal to the metal, & run a red light, but ‘I wish your husband is single’ is unique and fresh. Stronger pay off melodically on the line “Cause if he won’t love you I will” would help too.
Jim Fleming submitted “Find it Here”. Member comments: Mid tempo. Performed well. A Beatles feel. Word choices sang were better than the lyric sheet. Some suggestions to consider: The bridge may not be needed as bridge lyric content didn’t add much. Rhythm could have more of a pulse. The 2nd line in the 2nd verse seems to long. It’s the first time ”he” and “his love” is introduced into the song, but the story says she hasn’t found love yet. Some thought this was confusing.
Michael Pope submitted ”Where is My Love” Member comments: Smooth jazz sound, nice guitar work. A good melody too. Some suggestions to consider: Verses are subjective, the lyrics where difficult to follow. Phasing was hard to understand, and wasn’t real conversational. The 2nd verse didn’t expand the story. Perhaps a situation would help. The theme of ‘being attracted to unavailable people’ wasn’t understood by the group. The chorus was down beat and could be raised. This is where your intentions are known and the song is sold.
CraZe Dan submitted “Don’t lie to Yourself” Member comments: A good idea, and some very strong lines. The rhythm was solid too. Some suggestions to consider: Each verse stands on it’s own but the verses don’t develop the song as well as they could. A point of view conflict with I and You in the verse and chorus. The same is person is referred to as I in the verse, and You in the chorus. The song is off to a good start.
Dorian Harrison and Lloyd Cox submitted “The Bottle” Member comments: Great production. Nice prosody. The song sticks to its message, but the lyrics could be more conversational. A couple of over used lines like ‘tears/fear. The line Frankford St. creates a nice visual. Overall this is a good song that needs some minor tweaks. Some suggestions to consider: Tighten up the lyrics, and add more visuals to the verse. Perhaps tell why he drinks.
Ron Tintner submitted “Je Ne Sais Quoi” which means “I don’t know what” Member comments: A French theme but we heard a Spanish sound. Authentic, nice that the song used something you can describe. A very cool song, chords and melody were great. Some suggestions to consider: The hook is given away in the verse and chorus, traditionally the hook is spot lighted in one or the other, but not both. Try adding an accordion. A couple of lines could be stronger. Overall a great tune.
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